This piece of metal (image removed) is fragment of a massive explosion that landed on my room’s balcony in 2013. I was laying on my bed next to a wall-sized glass door. I always sat there and let my body get soaked in the subtle sunlight, as I watched the clouds moving in the sky in a swaying rythme. I would lay on my back and imagine as if gravity is reversed and the blue sky is my ground; a thought I was often amused by. I felt so lucky being able to watch the sky from my own bed and more clearly and vividly, from my balcony. The sky might’ve been at some point the most exciting thing in that lifeless town I called Home.
My earliest memories of going to school was being somewhat sad and somewhat bullied. Bullied for having bad hair, being called stupid, called lazy, called ugly, feeling small and overpowered by mean kids. At that point I was still not fully aware of what friendship even meant. I had cousins my own age and I spent great times with them during the Summer, but school made me feel weird and disintegrated. In fourth grade I had a lot of school-related anxiety and became more aware of the exclusion I felt among my classmates. In fifth grade I met this girl and since the first time we talked to each other between classes I felt the most genuine happiness around someone. Soon after we became best friends. This was the first time in my life I knew how connecting with another human felt like.
I guess I didn’t think about potential. It didn’t occur to me that I’d have a purpose in life. Sure, I’ll go to school and graduate then have a job then die, either alone or in a horrific war situation. At one point my fear of not having one true passion scared me to death. I’m not sure.. maybe having a hobby gave me a purpose in life. I wanted to know that I did the best I could do at a given moment regardless of who I was surrounded by or whether I was surrounded by anyone at all.
I was thinking of the unspoken crumbling pieces of memory that make me despise the fractions of moments of sleep when my mind rewinds bits of what once was, as I’m striving to let go of every single detail about who I used to be and how others judgement impacted the way I thought or felt, of friends criticizing my perspective in life and how I wanted to change completely and alter a seemingly endless chapter of a book I couldn’t accept as my reality. I promised myself that self-doubts won’t undermine me and I promised I will be as nice to myself as I am to others and allow myself to sincerely trust and not think about the imperfections that make me cave inside. I knew I couldn’t come across something intriguing without completely melting into it in the process of figuring myself out and it still scares me to get close but at times it’s a paradox of blurry visions and I don’t want to lose a friend that feels like the home I never found in a person cause none of them fulfilled the curiosity I had while I wore my heart out in conversations that teared my brain apart but were never SPOKEN cause the truth is a cloudy fog of uncertainty where I come from and I always ended up with shatters of satisfaction as I poured out sprinkles of infinite thoughts but never received wonder and it was momentary happiness that faded as fast as the shooting star I wished upon on the rooftop of my grandparents house that I can still smell whenever I close my eyes and remember my grandmother’s blue robe and why I refused to hug her one last time.
Tuesday, October 13th, 2015, The sun rays lightly touched my skin as I waited in bed for the alarm to ring. It doesn’t matter what a sleepless night I had, I always manage to wake up earlier than my alarm, get my body the closest it can get to the glass door beside my bed, and let the sunlight warmth soak into my skin. I closed my eyes one more time. My heavy eyelids were getting lighter and warmer as I rewinded dreams of people I may never know. It wasn’t a pleasant morning from all the thinking I had the other night. I was wondering if I’ll ever be able to escape this town before our building crashes over me or something horrifying happens to someone I care for. Living in a war zone makes having these kinds of thoughts inevitable. Nonetheless, I was a positive dreamy child at heart. I smiled back at the glistering goddess beaming down on earth with delicate beauty at 8 am. I stepped out of bed, took my mini calendar in hand. With a purple inked pen, I tapped X on Monday the 12th. It’s a new day. I looked at my face in the mirror. It was calm still and pale. I applied makeup on my self-doubts and wore clothes I felt good seeing myself in. At that particular moment, I felt genuinely happy. A bird was picking on a fallen leaf on my balcony. My cup of tea smelled heavenly delicious. I closed my eyes and took a sip. “Beauty is in the details,” I wrote these words on a scrap of paper and stuck it on the wall in the corner of my room; where my head lied on my pillow. I left the house after taking one last glance with half a smile I got used to looking at myself with, and in pictures, and at people. I thought of all the ones I’ll see today; distant friends I felt happy with but never truly connected to – people who will never know how nice the light gusts of wind and morning sunshine scatters made me feel.
I was this five years old girl on her pink bicycle. We were in my village and there was this slight hill in front of my grandparents’ house. I saw my older siblings go down the hill on their bikes and all I wanted was to do the same. They warned me because it was obvious I would get myself hurt, even I knew it. Still, I waited until no one was around and drove down, a fragile girl on a baby bike with no brakes. I felt so happy going down the tilted road, free and fearless, like what used to race through my imagination watching birds and butterflies. Well until the bike kept going unstoppably to then crash and break into pieces.. and I was there, too, with scratched elbows and bruised knees; I started crying and screaming. This is the highlight of that day still vivid in my memory. But the thing is, looking back now and then I realize that over 19 years life changed so many things about me. It may have changed my pink color fever but it hasn’t made the slightest touch on my stubborn personality. I’ve never accepted being told the consequences of doing something insane, I had to try it myself and I still do. But now, the naive child in me is dead. What would I do at this moment in the same situation? I asked myself. The answer was a crystal clear vision in my head. I would go down that hill all over again, but this time, I will make sure my bike has strong brakes.
They scream at me through a mirror of glass and when I speak they fall on dead ears, faint and vanish.
How do you know when you’re meant to be?
It’s the illusion of destiny what makes us think that certain incidents are “meant to be” when it’s as a matter of fact an outcome of choices we make.
What do you see when you look at a photo of the Earth?
A magic ball held by a superior power.
Do you question your reality?
Reality to me is the verity of our existence, questioning reality is doubting one or more of those elements : time, space and matter. I do question reality, I question god, I question science and physical laws. The last thing that came up to my mind while i was studying about cloning is that if scientists could clone humans like they cloned sheep dolly in 1996, clones will obviously function like normal human but will the clones have a soul? will they feel love, hatred, anger…etc and if so, wouldn’t that prove that god has no power over human ability, wouldn’t that make scientists the real gods? i also question weather we’re living in timelines or time loops according to the New Zealand mathematician Roy Kerr theory of time travel through black holes. these are plain speculations I thought about recently.
How much does time matter? Explain .
Time determines success, the more you value it and occupy it beneficially the more you approach success.
What is the optimum strategy for designing a life plan?
It doesn’t matter how we design our life plan, the optimum life we strive for is very little of setting our priorities, goals and thing we aim to accomplish and a lot of hard work and dedication. A lot of us spend too much time designing strategies when the actual strategy we need to work on is determination and implementation.
What was the worst age you’ve had so far?
16
What trait do you find difficult to accept?
Unwarranted anger.
Why are some people so much more productive than others?
Because procrastination is a bitch.
When should mercy be valued over/more than justice? should mercy ever be valued over/more than justice? (Inspired from someone else’s question.) interpret it the way you want.
I think justice is merciful. If someone does something so wrong he/she has to deal with the consequences of his/her actions. Mercy is a necessity in some situations but it should never be valued more than true justice. Do you agree that everyone should have the same basic liberties?
I agree but religion doesn’t agree with me, neither does society or traditions or the system!! you can’t take that away easily whether I agree or not.
What is an example of being mentally strong?
Living in Syria.
When life frowns in my face I … [complete]
*pretend I didn’t see it* *roll my eyes to a different direction* *run*
What happens when life loses its colours? How do we restore those colours? Is such discoloration permanent?
When life loses its colors all you see is Grey and Blue. You lose all your senses and feelings towards everyone and everything. No love, hate, anger, happiness or sadness. Not a single thing to live or die for. Not a glimpse of hope or inspiration but numbness.. Grey and Blue.. To restore those colors you either have to wait for someone bright enough to lighten your dead world or you must stand on your own, change the layer of glass you see your surroundings with, you’ll have to believe in yourself and love yourself with all your flaws.. it’s not easy but when no one’s there to save you, your only savior is yourself. Such discoloration can’t be permanent, otherwise what on Earth is our life for?
What is one thing you will never do again?
Start online friendships. And on that matter, I will tell you a story. So I was a friend with this person who was my classmate in elementary school and first off it was good and all. He knew I am trust worthy and we had these long conversations and got to know a lot about each other, although I’m sure that we never really knew because it was all online and in real life everyone is not the same somehow and I don’t know if this applies to everyone but it sure applies to me. I know I’m not exactly who I am with people I haven’t been close to in my actual life and parts of me stay concealed. I’m aware of that so I didn’t let this person exceed boundaries I set. I won’t write much. Moving to the last chapter, we got rude with each other and realized how opposites we are. He couldn’t handle my mood swings, respect demands and boundaries that he considered ridiculous, and I couldn’t handle his behavior and way of thinking and we basically couldn’t stand each other for reasons we never knew but felt. I maturely decided that we should stop talking, but I guess bad people involve their guy friends in issues with a female friend and I was really disappointed of what this person did. I believed he would never intend to harm me no matter what happens and I kept my promises. He talked behind my back, insulted me and made fun of my personality in ways I would refer to as childish and naiive to be honest, and I think he still would even now. But I understand people and I guess we all grow up eventually and I still think he’s a good guy deep in the heart but some of us hold anger and grudge maybe. I’m sure he knows I’m a good person too but I can’t tell if he’d admit it. I forgave from the bottom of my heart and forgot and moved onto real friendships that make me happy and where my friends like me for exactly who I am and respect me. Regardless of what happened, I hope this person is doing well in his life and that he’s okay and in the process of achieving his dreams. I never told this to anyone so I thought I’d write it down cause it just feels better to write things down.
What inspires you to keep going when you want to give up?
I feel lucky enough to be myself and where I am. When I look around I truly feel that being who I am is a bless. I have self-esteem issues and I lack the confidence to impress anyone. Sometimes I feel too normal and conservative, but then I find myself so young and promising. I know that I exist now and one day -based on Earth timeline- I will meet death and disappear forever. I have this choice to either accept and love who I am and engage the brightest of what life has gave me or to give up and lose myself. There’s no way around. We all go through hard times when all words lose their meaning and it’s ok to have those feelings but what’s not okay is to let them take over you. Any person can give himself/herself a thousand reasons to be miserable and unhappy. Sometimes I feel like, look at me, I’m not good enough even for myself. A perfectionist who is so imperfect, but that’s why I keep going. Every day I wake up determined to do something that has meaning to me, like reading a book, changing my nails color, tidying my bedroom, typing answers here! You won’t believe how many small things satisfy me. I go through times where I feel bitter emptiness and void but I know this feeling will go away. I never let insecurities and fears shatter me. I managed to grow an understanding of others, I’m learning to stand up to be independent on my own and to let myself enjoy being me. Life flashes before our eyes. You are this character, this soul, this body for one short lifetime. Don’t worry too much, express yourself, do what makes you happy, be with who makes you happy, work hard until you reach your goals and you must believe in yourself. You’re young and exceptional.
Is life governed by the dead? We use the dead in order to maintain the living. Are we living in “the land of the dead”?
I think what dies vanishes forever and cannot be retrieved in any natural/supernatural way. No souls wandering on Earth or people in the skies to talk to and be heard. What’s true is that people believe what they want to believe and I probably said that before but I think if you believe unicorns exist you’ll see unicorns and talk to unicorns. A lot of people are afraid of doubting what they’ve been taught to believe so they choose to stay in the zone of thinking safe and I’ve been there. I’m not arguing the existence of God and I find myself talking to God in space waiting to get subconscious answers. I hold high respect for religions in their spiritual meditating form. But personally, I believe that the dead are just dead and this gives me much more comfort than people who greive over their loved ones graves thinking they’re being watched and heard by souls. What I believe we’re governed with is our own minds and what goes inside of them.
How well do you trust your memories? Do you think that the factual events in your life were close to how you remember it? Or do you think that your memories were somewhat jaded through time?
Some of them are quite vivid in my head and some jaded through time. I’ve had some great memories but I decide to leave the past where it belongs. I don’t have an interest in looking back and remembering. I’m a female of this present, nothing more nothing less.
What colors would you associate with emptiness, love, anger, hate, and strength?
Emptiness: transparent Love: rainbow Anger: dark red Hate: black Strength: blue
Do you wish to forget by choice, given that what you forget is permanently lost?
No I wouldn’t. I know how bad memories can effect people’s lives in a negative way but it usually gets easier with time and every memory is a construction of what individuals grow up to be. One day you’ll meet brilliant people who arised from tragedy and you will see how the worst things in life can bring the best in us, make us stronger and wiser. We learn, grow and understand more . Because of all the small details that built up in our heads we became who we are at this very moment. I’m sure if anyone looked close enough they can relate to that.
Does your life love you?
She doesn’t love but she likes me and I’m okay with that.
What do you miss the most?
Not a thing. You can’t put your arms around a memory.
I don’t know much but that is what I have learnt about you till now. You’re under appreciated on this stupid platform. I wonder why haven’t you caught many people’s eye. Your sort of a person should get a lot of attention, although you would scold me and I know you don’t appreciate false flattery
I don’t want to catch people’s eyes. My intention on this site is to express what goes inside my head, I do this for myself and it makes me feel good.. writing!! I’m not that great, some people out here are amazing, I’m truly humbled. It’s not much different in real life either. I speak and act with transparency and a lot of people do like me but attention never seems to improve people, it encourages vanity that’s all I could notice. Care, an honest appreciation and a genuine exchange of thoughts might feel a little better, don’t you think? I want to grow wiser and better as a female, who knows who I will be one day, where and with whom? Don’t under-estimate the power of an answer. Some answers touch your soul, make you think at night, see life brighter and shinier, some answers speak the truth you’ve been trying to hide, break you free from rotten ideologies you were blinded by and an answer might aswell have the power to change your life. And you’re right, I might scold you and not appreciate your false flattery, but my wish is that you one day find something on my page worth keeping.. Worth remembering after you turn your wifi off and go outside following your own path.
What do you look forward to most this year?
Feeling safe, with every meaning this word has. I’m very tired of always being worried in a country that has lost security. Today something felt frightening happened with me, I don’t want to mention it but in that moment I remembered how much I despise this place. I truly just want me and my family to be in a safe “home”, hopefully before a new year knocks the door. This country neither feels like home or belongs to us anymore. To the people in safe areas where you and your loved ones are safe and unharmed, appreciate the bliss a lot of people in war zones are deprived of.
How much control do you think that you have over your life? Do you think that you have control over it at all?
I think I can easily do most things on my own. I have a lot of control over my personal life but fear makes me uncertain and insecure. I cannot control who dominates me or a group of people. I can never be in that position where I’m able to express lack of complacency. Being part of a sheep herd takes away our value as a unique human being. No one can fix what has been repulsively destroyed to the ground and washed out of people’s brains. Understanding, free thought, acceptance, love, free thought !!! I’m disguisted and ashamed but what are those feelings good for? Nothing! I knew I would die and perish with feelings and thoughts like thousands of dreamers. So I decided to manipulate fate. I became a listener, not a thinker but a listener putting pieces of puzzles from every single person I come across. I understood how judgement works. I don’t need to judge anyone or compare myself to anyone anymore. I’m growing and I am free!! I may not be in a position where I can take full control over my life, I can’t choose whom I fall in love with nor who loves every part of me, I cannot make hope rise from ashes and I may not be able to make a change in someone, but I can take control over my being, my own ideas.. and I may feel lost, empty, sad and in need of only one person… those feelings come and go.. uncertainties fade away and “I” the only thing I stay in control of. My own being.. my own self being and that’s what I will let no person ever rip me of. I’m young and strong. I will take control, I just need this one step in the right place. This one step into actual change and I will never look back.
Do you support political freedom? Why / why not?
As far as I’m concerned, political freedom does not exist. Demanding a dictator to give you freedom cannot be acheived without revolution. Revolution in its modern meaning is chaos. Freedom demands wisdom. A fool ruled by religion and ignorance is unworthy. Freedom, revolution, conspiracy, disruption and hundreds of words to describe what started in Syria and ended three years ago. Now after over four years, we’re left with filthy wealthy greedy savages running every part of the country. Disorder, destruction, deaths, pure wasted blood, thousands of refugees and orphaned children. You might already know that but I can only think that this might give you a clearer idea about the consequences of demanding this imaginary political freedom. Everything was prettier as a thought but once put into practice, it killed us and so many innocent youth, literally and metaphorically. We’re sorry a lot indeed. I’m very and truly sorry. Sorry for the children’s raped sanity, I’m sorry for the broken families and jaded hearts, sorry for the great minds who’ve been killed by the sin of raising their voices with the sound of truth, I’m sorry for the believers, the ones forced to escape and who’s only dream is the hope of one day being able to be in their county one more time, yet they can’t. I’m sorry for the ones searching for life.. for serenity and safety on a board of a ship going somewhere not even they are aware of. Every piece of every soul that has lived in those streets I see around is still wandering. You can feel them and smell their existence in the green of spring… fading. We long to the day “our Syria” becomes home. Until then, if we live to see then, we’re just very sorry.
What are the dumbest things people take pride in?
Things they were born with or which were freely given to them, a family member accomplishment, money and wealth, a country they were not by choice born in, a religious or political orientation; and mainly any thing about a person that goes to vain. I find it ultra dumb taking pride in what you haven’t worked for, acheived on your own, accomplished by yourself and only you. We should be proud of our personal actions and good deeds. Everything else are unnecessary ego related blah mumbles.
How do you deal with guilt?
Oh dear sacred life, what have you done to me, your devoted sweet being? *bows down and prays for salvation to the full moonlight as heaven’s gate swings open reveling redemption*
Do you think that eventually, everybody becomes ruined in a way or another? Why / why not?
Eventually, we destroy ourselves in a flood of ruins and sit doing nothing about it. Nothing but waiting for a human architect to pick up what’s left of us, remove the ache and pity and do some kind of magic over our disappointing corruption. We’re just doomed, don’t you see it? Get over yourselves. This time, stand on your own feet and do something.. for yourself! or else, those ruins will always remain.
If love was a person, what would it say to you?
Swallow your pride ‘ Wallow in shame.
Here dima, have a cigarette with me would you?
See, I don’t smoke. This cigarette… inhaling poisonous substances, exhaling feelings and smoke… I wouldn’t do that to myself. Well maybe if you insist. Only one cigarette. Just one fragment of poison. It’s Deema by the way.
Why is lying considered bad? Isn’t a person free to say whatever he or she wants – be it truthful or deceitful?
It’s not fair to find freedom in deceiving oneself or another. Lying is not fair.
Have you ever been accused of being something you’re not, or doing something that you didn’t do?
They were right as I went camouflaging the truth into its prettiest suit.
Do you believe in supernatural beings? Why/Why not?
One word: illusions. People believe what they’re taught to believe, their subconscious mind is tricked, this image of the supernatural is printed deep inside their brains. The only way to stop this hypnotizing effect is by questioning. Can you stand against fear? that’s the question.
In your opinion, would it be better if we instantly react to every single thing we notice? Why / why not?
I’m going to give the biggest yes I’ve given in my history on this site. YES! because what we don’t react to in the moment it happens dies. And that’s just my opinion. I definitely think we should react instantly to things and people and not just hold it in for later. Later won’t come out right.
What happens to a dream deferred? (Deferred means delayed/suspended until a later time.)
One day you’ll wake up and realize it’s way too late. You know.. the thing is, we always wait for the right time but what I think is that there is no right time, there’s only now.
Are you chasing/running after something? if so, what is it? (not literally, or literally).
I’m chasing safety and peace of mind in a dangerous restless place.
In your opinion, which is more important – the cause or the effect? Why?
The cause doesn’t seem to matter much to me, the core of things are their effect because causes eventually fade with time while an effect can be turned down a little bit but not completely erased or forgotten. Let’s say you spill something on your clothes and it leaves a stain, you keep trying to remove the stain but it doesn’t work and ruins your clothes; a shirt let’s say! now what you spilled is irrelevant to the core issue you’re stuck with which is a ruined shirt. Same goes with causes and effects, I think. If you kill the king’s only clown, how would it affect the kingdom?
It must be the king’s misery that made him reach out for a clown to cheer him up. If killing the cheering component will overwhelmingly affect the king’s leadership towards his people in a negative perhaps pessimistic way, therefore dragging his kingdom to doom, the wise decision would be to kill the king.
Do you think that you should always respect others no matter what? | If not, what if you do the same action(s) that caused you to stop respecting that person? How do you respect yourself?
I definitely respect everyone’s character no matter who they are or choose to become, and what they do in their lives, as long as their actions don’t harm someone else or others and affect them in a negative way. I lose respect when a person’s action involves lying, deceiving, manipulating, disrespecting, intentional damaging..etc. If I, for some reason, did something that I once thought was a source of disrespect, I may not lose respect to who I am as a person because I do have high self-esteem, but I wouldn’t be able to live with it later on and I know I would do anything to fix where I’ve gone wrong. There’s always time to make things right and people can change if they set their minds to it and acknowledge their misbehaviors. For most people after the age of twenty, actions determine their thinking process and becomes a part of their personality. I’ve noticed how rare it is knowing someone who’s aware of themselves and I mean how they perceive their own impact on others in different life situations. A lot of people don’t have full awareness of their own and that’s why they point out to people’s mistakes, yet, fail to concede theirs. This leaves them unwilling to change and unable to see what needs improvement in their general interaction and behavior towards others. A part of being compromised with ourselves has to do with recognizing our mistakes, not the ones that left us with an experience which I refer to as the good kind of mistakes, but the ones who left someone else broken. And it’s then when we can start working on those issues and what causes them. It could be anger, envy, ego, insecurities..etc. I think bad things that we intentionally let happen to someone else is a reason of our inability to find serenity within ourselves. Every person gets to choose the life pattern they want to have and must be respected for their character. When a person doesn’t accept critisim and other points of view and can’t acknowledge their flaws nothing will make them change. So we might as well try to not let this person bother us or make equal reactions. You don’t have to deal with what’a unacceptable to you. The most important thing is having the confidence to stand strong and wisely face situations and just stay true to yourself cause at the end that’s what really matters.
Fear of public speaking: How do you overcome it?
Put yourself out there and socialize with others! Kidding. I won’t give you one of those cliche answers cause hey! we both know that when you have fear of public, this is not a truly helpful thing to be told. Plus you’ve probably heard it at least few times before. Now let’s think of real solutions. First, start off by taking some time for yourself to write down why you think that you fear being around many people. You must come up with at least few reasons. Maybe you’re scared of being judged, or not being liked which is usually caused by having insecurities perhaps. Most people have some sort of insecurity. Whether it’s physical or emotional, you’re not alone in this. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and honest with yourself. Write down everything you can think of, don’t hold anything back. You need to do this in order for you to be able to make a positive change. If that seems too overwhelming, start doing it step by step. Maybe start off by building your self confidence. Talk to yourself in the mirror (it’s not as crazy as it may sound, trust me), remind yourself of all the beautiful things that make you stand out. It can be literally anything! (ex: I make good puns, I have nice teeth.. etc :p) unleash your imagination. Write a list if you want. If you feel like your brain is trying to give you any negative thoughts about yourself, tell it to shut up. Literally! You control your mind but you have to want it and be willing to make an effort in your journey of self growth. Since you want to overcome your fear of public, this step is crucial. After spending some time doing what you have to do and you start to feel more confident and comfortable in who you are as a person (do whatever it takes to reach that point) then you can begin to apply it in your daily life. Let’s say you go to school, or to work. Give a random stranger a compliment! If you look around you and you look close enough, you’ll see that every person has some sort of thing that you can compliment them about. For example, you can tell someone that they look like a celebrity but you randomly forgot their name haha whatever it is. Be creative and clever. Most people are nice and will thank you or even make a friendly small talk out of it. Ask a colleague/coworker that you don’t usually talk to to help you do a certain task or show you how to do it (even if you secretly do know). Ask someone about their favourite fruit! Tell them about a song you’ve been listening to lately and why you like it. Remember that not all people will be responsive and friendly but that is okay. Never let what people say or do affect your self-esteem in a negative way. You’re the one in charge of your mind, thoughts, and how you influence the world around you. Try to be as positive as you can be in your interactions with others. I know it can be difficult sometimes, we all have bad days. But believe me, the energy you have will reflect on people around you. (continued in picture below)
pale blue fragments 