October

October is my favourite month of the year. The leaves become crispier, the streets quieter, and an undeniable shift in energy takes over the city. Winding down comes naturally as the greyness of the sky tints the grass that was once vibrant and soft. Summer’s bright greens leave us feeling like we’re missing out on something, unsure of what that thing is. Yet knowing that the feeling of sun warmth on our skin is just enough reason to go out and find it. Then Autumn comes and moves us from looking outwards to looking inwards. It has a grounding effect, unlike any other season. Even more so for me, with my birthday being September 30th, turning October into the January of my year and filling my mind with so many thoughts and reflections on the past 12 months and the year ahead of me.

This past year I’ve been through the biggest changes in my life. I experienced loss and grief and learned to grow through that experience. But I also built resilience and learned a lot about myself, my values, and what truly matters to me in different aspects of life. My days started to feel more stable and predictable. I became much less stressed about things that worried me to the point where I would feel physically sick. I stepped back more often and put the bigger picture into perspective. My creativity as well went through loops and stops and changes and that all felt okay! Some phases of our lives require us to re-shift our focus and to reprioritize. Last year I set career-related goals as my point of focus. This year I need to work on building myself a healthier emotional state by letting go of an idealism that really tired me over the years and led me to experience so much confusion and hurt. I drew in my mind perfect pictures of perfect human connections. I built empty spaces and waited for others to fill those spaces like perfect pieces of a puzzle. I also put more effort into others than what felt organic and reciprocated. I really wanted things to work. I really wanted things to be perfect.

This year I want to romanticize less, to idealize less, to take less control, and to let things flow into my life if they’re truly meant to. I want to forget about the puzzle and its pieces. I want to imagine myself sitting in a boat, setting the paddle aside, and letting the waves take me far away from shore. And in the middle of my journey, I want to look back and to not feel scared of how far I’ve sailed away. I want to not reach for my paddle, to feel peace in the void of the ocean, and to trust that the waves are taking me exactly where I need to be.