Why I Stopped Blogging

Writing used to help me cope with many difficult situations that challenged my growth, especially on an emotional level. I could pour out every little “sad” in me into detailed increments, connect the pieces, and then calmly look at it from a distanced view. I pulled things out of my past and made sense of them. I was able to heal myself by taking the position of both the teller and the listener. This worked for me mainly because all the pieces of the puzzle that I was trying to assemble were staged in what I perceived to be “a past life”. The timeline was not the biggest determinant of what a past life meant to me, but the physical and mental separation from everything that past life entailed.

All the events that shaped me had a distinct ending defined by the moment the airplane landed to the place I now call home. And that is no longer the case. My current self is no longer healing from a past life’s past self. She wants to make sense of her present by reflecting on a past that is too recent to step out of and to calmly observe. It gives me a lot of discomfort to write about my thought process and the situations that occurred from 2016 onwards. I feel embarrassed of reading what I wrote, almost as if the person I’m writing about is someone whom I do not want to be reminded of right now, and do not feel ready to learn from yet. I don’t know whether I feel this way because I’m going through so many changes in such a short time span, or if the settings (time and location) of this type of past are too close to the settings of my present. Being aware of having unresolved thoughts and emotions is scary, but I have a feeling that life will unpack itself in a way that is for my own good, even if I can’t make sense of it all today. I’m not ready to heal or to learn much from a past that feels so vivid and weighs me down, and I need to find peace in that. I will stop attempting to put this chaos of thoughts into words. I accept to not always be in control and to to just let my life be. I can give myself comfort and safety. I will be okay.