Ghostly Visions on New Year’s Eve

I lost my soulmate and fell into a deep depression. I cried every day, for the next one hundred and forty-eight days. I started counting the days since Levi had brought me the flowery pocket calendar with fluorescent violet patterns on the cover. I got excited about it when we were passing by a storefront on a balmy summer night. Each day has an interesting fact printed on it.

December thirty-first says, The Egyptian sun-god, Ra, changed himself into a cat, in order to battle evil. Bast, the goddess of fertility and love, always took the form of a cat, with the body of a woman and the head of a cat.

I rip the last page out of the calendar and lie in my bed; drinking a milkshake my friend Ava made for me this morning.  It tastes like a magical blend from wonderland. 

“How on Earth can something so simple taste so heavenly?” I ask myself as I sip, while watching the National Geographic channel.  It helps distract me from over-analyzing both my present and my future. 

The past nine hours have felt like a month. I open the curtains and stand by the window watching the snow veil the city. I’m thinking about how, if Levi was alive, he’d be standing here and cuddling me. I imagine his funny remarks about how fond I am of the ghostly shadows lingering beneath the streetlights, and the tiny footsteps of squirrels; leaving a trail on the white snow, from the tree all the way to the garbage can. 

“You know… the past fourteen hours felt like a dream!” he had once said to me, as we sat on the big swing out by the lake, swaying back and forth. “Time is a very strange concept. And I want to spend every second of it with you.” 

I never knew what it felt like to find a home within a person, until those serene moments. 

“I was feeling so blue this morning.” I said to him. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“I never told you… but I lost my sister in a car accident last year. The thought of it kills me! I can’t forget the image of her small, limp body draped in white sheets on a hospital bed, a body I could barely recognize.”

Silence fell between us. “It was a hit-and-run”, I continued. “How vicious can a human be, to do something so terrible?  To leave a child in the middle of a road, lingering between life and death.”

“I’m so sorry,” he said and he held me, as I pressed my cheek against his chest.

We went inside and hours drifted by. I can’t remember the last time I felt so calm talking to someone for so long. Perhaps never. As dawn broke, the sun cast shadows on the ceiling of the room.. grey patterns fading into silhouettes.

Neither of us went to work that morning, nor the morning after. We spent the next twenty-three days venturing around the city and growing fond of each other. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

It’s almost 10 p.m. now and I’m calling Ava. She always celebrates New Year’s Eve in the most bizarre ways. 

Ava answers immediately. “We’re making a bonfire at the mountain. You need to hurr-yyy!” Her voice sounds childlike and squeaky. I grab my coat and leave. 

As I arrive, I see Ava and our close friend Adan standing next to a grill. The grill appears to have nothing in it but a pile of coal ashes. “We put potatoes inside.  I can’t wait for you to try one!” Ava has this big smile on her face and she is glowing. Literally! She has pink Christmas lights incorporated into her outfit and her hair and she is wearing a blinding neon lipstick.

She squishes my face, her nails glow with metallic blue polish. “Aww, look at those sad puppy eyes,” she croons, and then kisses my eyelids. She breaks away and goes twirling around a leafless tree.  Ava works as an illustrator for an online magazine. She possesses the enviable confidence of a woman who has figured out her entire life.

When I was wallowing in confusion and sorrow for months, she’d came by each night with cute things to cheer me up. First was a sun-shaped pendant necklace that emitted sunlight when you touched it (“Boop!” she would giggle).  Another time; she brought a painting of pearly clouds raining blueberries. Then she brought a snowball with disco lights embedded with a quote that read, “your beauty radiates from within”. 

Some mornings, she played Kate Nash songs and slowly danced around the apartment.  I wondered what I’d done to deserve such a magical friend in my life.

Adan is wrapped up in a baby blue blanket and reaching out to uncover a buried potato with a suspiciously unsanitary stick. He raises his eyebrows in a surprised motion. “Hola! I haven’t seen you since our camping trip in June! Time flies, doesn’t it?” 

I smile and nod. 

“It’s been five months since Levi died. Do you really think he’s your only soulmate? A naive woman, you are.” He rolls his eyes.

“Thanks for being so sympathetic, Adan”. 

“Do you want to know what I think?” 

“Do I need to know what you think?” 

“I think you’re delusional and you need an unsympathetic guy like me to tell you the truth. You’re my friend, and I care for you. You’re preventing your life from moving forward but the world doesn’t stop for you.  Are you listening?” 

I look into Adan’s eyes. I can’t answer.  Nothing I say will change the fact that I’m hiding an ominous pitch-dark secret. I’ve never been a good liar, but I sure have mastered the art of keeping my mouth shut. 

Ava has the most beautiful music playing in the background. It’s lovely! The night feels like a dream but I cannot shake off this feeling of terror. 

We’re three friends circling the bonfire’s igniting flames. 

“Gather up!  It’s almost midnight!” Ava shouts. “I prepared two packs of magic powder that give the fire different colors. We’ll make a wish, then sprinkle the powder into the flames. She gently leans her head on my shoulder, “I didn’t think you’d show up. Here. Have mine, pretty face.” 

Adan tosses the velvety-textured powder first. The bonfire flares in dazzling tones of purple. It is now my turn to make a wish. I wish… I could change the past as easily and escape this relentless loop of memories tormenting me, this endless rewind recurring in my mind, to what feels like infinity.

I look at Ava, peacefully gleaming in her pink lights and dark green hair, looking like a literal manifestation of a Christmas tree.

I get the strangest of feelings.  It’s like time has stopped and I am forced to revisit memories. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

That Fifth Day of August 

The hit-and-run driver who killed my sister had been identified. I felt paralyzed. The room became suffocatingly hot. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I didn’t wait for an explanation. I felt rage and confusion to the point of madness. Justice would finally be served, but not for my little sister, and not for me.

The bell rang. I opened the door. My vision was blurry from the tears streaming down my face. I saw his startled expression. His eyes filled with terror, as if he knew what was about to happen.

I pushed Levi down the stairs with such rage that I fell backward onto the floor. I saw his body tumbled to the pavement below, blood draining down his skull, and then silence. It all happened in what felt like a blink. I loved him like no other. I’m a good person. I can’t hurt an ant and I most certainly cannot kill a beating heart! I didn’t want this to happen – but the moment I opened that door, I saw the devil in disguise. The fog in my brain stormed images of Levi glancing through that window at my little sister crumpled on the street, of his car accelerate and vanish around the corner while the life bled out of my her with each fading heartbeat.

Pushing your lover to his own death isn’t something you can tell anyone, not even the ones closest to you. 

Only Ava knew. She was the one who came up with the pigeon story, when the police came to question me. And I never told them that it was Levi who killed my sister. He was dead now, and I was horrified by what I’d done. Speaking the truth couldn’t have brought her back, and I desperately needed a way out.

I had dreams of belonging. I thought love was a destination and that it only came once. When love dropped its pretty mask and revealed dishonesty and murder, it shattered every hope, every dream, and every emotion I’d held deeply within me. 

In a way, I died too. My curse was continuing to exist, living my own death. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

I’m here now, on a freezing New Year’s Eve, longing for clarity. I should have learned a thing or two from Ava. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

A cold day in October: Creativity without audiences 

I recall Ava sitting on a chair by the kitchen table; with a sketchbook in her hand. She told me she was drawing a picture of two women bathing in the sun; in a field of lilies. I was standing by the stove, making jasmine tea with cinnamon. I took a quick glance. 

I have always admired Ava. She’s the most intelligent person I know. She pursues her passions and doesn’t wait for recognition.  She’s creative, yet keeps her work personal. Her creativity lives inside her little notebook of wonders; and in the spontaneous adventures she carefully plans. Anyone who’s her friend can’t help but feel lucky to be part of her world. 

I’m not much of a creative person. Ava had once told me that curiosity is the precursor to creativity, and that if we lose our curiosity, it would be difficult for us to see how wonderful our world can truly be, that we wouldn’t be capable appreciating beauty in its various forms of existing, and that our souls would empty out, as we become immersed into adulthood. It then occurred to me that I’d had this feeling of emptiness for a very long time.

“We’ll have our garden and plant flowers. Lots of them!” She said. Then she took a bite from her toast. “I’ve been saving. We can make our dreams a reality. Well, my dreams, mostly…” She squinted, moved her hand to her chin, and then back on the table. “Look, we’re intelligent women! And we’re young and we are alive! I promise this will be the best decision of our lives.” 

“This sure sounds lovely.”  I let out a nervous laugh. “But… it’s impulsive.  I can’t just quit my life and start a new one, because my best friend has a wild imagination.” 

“You may need to consider trusting your best friend’s imagination if you want to have what’s even worth calling a life.”

“Ouch!” I said, staggering as though she’d plunged a knife into my heart. We laughed. I poured two cups of tea and spent a lovely evening with my best friend. Days went by and our little conversation was put to rest.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

The fire turns blue, then slowly dwindles into a pile of ash. I walk to the edge of the mountain. Fireworks fill the deep blue sky, as though it’s a giant umbrella, casting an explosion of vibrant colors, with sparks dissipating above. I feel peaceful and warm. I close my eyes, but instead of making a wish, I make a decision.

Adan hands me a warm potato. He looks at the sky with eyes glistening. I look at my potato. “Happy New Year,” I say; with a renewed heart.