Sometimes my anxiety feels light and manageable, other times it feels like a more serious troubling issue. I’m not ashamed or worried to talk about it. People take the difficulties you project in a conversation lightly as long as you look and function like a normal person. Maybe developing anxiety is an outcome of being a university student. You need to sacrifice part of yourself to gain something. I’m not selfish. I don’t think there’s a lesson to learn here. Maybe we’re all living different versions of the same battle, or whatever you want to call it. I’ve been choosing to dissociate my thoughts from my feelings. This mechanism helps me to somehow deal with daily tasks that require a high level of focus.
Feeling something leads to being motivated by creativity. Creativity leads to short term pleasure. Letting my mind do what it naturally leans towards had often increased my anxiety on the long run, leaving me with poor academic achievements and more worries. I don’t think many people would understand my choices, but I’m not concerned about being misunderstood, and I don’t think anything I’m experiencing is special. It is what it is. And It doesn’t bother me to feel separated from others. I have enough objectives to resolve. I chose to do this, didn’t I? I’ve been questioning my motives a lot. Growing up, I don’t think I ever felt like I knew who I was. I had always tried to discover my interests while being largely molded into an approved successful member of the society I was part of. I’m standing on different grounds now. I’m trying to use my time and resources in a way that makes me a better version of myself. A foreign idea.. adjusting to believe that I don’t have to be a high achiever to be acknowledged, and I don’t have to please anyone. But I feel stuck. I feel inadequate and unsure of the next step. But I’m not afraid, and I won’t be afraid. I know what fear feels like and this is not it.
pale blue fragments 