Nostalgia &Fear

I was thinking of the unspoken crumbling pieces of memory that make me despise the fractions of moments of sleep when my mind rewinds bits of what once was, as I’m striving to let go of every single detail about who I used to be and how others judgement impacted the way I thought or felt, of friends criticizing my perspective in life and how I wanted to change completely and alter a seemingly endless chapter of a book I couldn’t accept as my reality. I promised myself that self-doubts won’t undermine me and I promised I will be as nice to myself as I am to others and allow myself to sincerely trust and not think about the imperfections that make me cave inside. I knew I couldn’t come across something intriguing without completely melting into it in the process of figuring myself out and it still scares me to get close but at times it’s a paradox of blurry visions and I don’t want to lose a friend that feels like the home I never found in a person cause none of them fulfilled the curiosity I had while I wore my heart out in conversations that teared my brain apart but were never SPOKEN cause the truth is a cloudy fog of uncertainty where I come from and I always ended up with shatters of satisfaction as I poured out sprinkles of infinite thoughts but never received wonder and it was momentary happiness that faded as fast as the shooting star I wished upon on the rooftop of my grandparents house that I can still smell whenever I close my eyes and remember my grandmother’s blue robe and why I refused to hug her one last time.